Depending on when you’re reading this:
• April is almost here.
• April is here.
• It’s August and you’re reading this magazine while sitting in a dentist’s office, car dealership waiting room or my parents’ den.
Anyway, April is one of my favorite months. It’s when flowers bloom, raindrops fall and your grandpa dozes off during the final round of the Masters Golf Tournament. It’s also the season of Easter (yeah, I know Easter sometimes occurs in March, but it’s at its best during April). Easter is one of my favorite holidays, which probably explains why I’m pre-diabetic. Because I like it so much, I thought it would be fun to share some of my favorite Easter traditions with you.
Play “Put the Easter Eggs in a Shoebox and Hide them in Your Sister’s Closet.” This tradition is always fun, especially when the second week of May finally rolls around.
Going to church and listening to regulars complain about crowds. I’ll admit it: When I go to church, it’s usually on one of three major church holidays: Easter, Christmas or Mother’s Day. That’s why I always think it’s fun to listen to the little old lady up front complain about all the non-church-going people in attendance. That’s kind of like the mall complaining about too many customers.
Open a Cadbury Crème Egg to perfection.? Have you ever wondered why the drug store always has a box of Cadbury Crème Eggs next to the cash register? Well, it’s for people like me. What’s odd, though, is that I don’t really like Cadbury Crème Eggs. They are too rich and sweet, plus I’m always a little bit worried that the yellow part may have salmonella.
In fact, the only reason I really buy them is so I can practice opening one up like they do in the commercials. Seriously, in every commercial they show some hand model opening up the egg and the bright yellow cream is always perfectly in the center. It takes a while, but usually I can open it correctly on my 10th try. Now if only I can teach my pet rabbit to cluck like a chicken.
Tell people this is the Cubs’ year.? I have a lot of faults. I drink too much beer, spend too much time on Twitter and still watch Big Brother. But perhaps my biggest fault is that I’m a Cubs fan. The Cubs know winning about as well as Charlie Sheen knows sobriety. That being said, April is the best time to be a Cubs fan because they are usually only a couple of games out of first by the end of the month.
Have a birthday party. ?My birthday is April 13. Just about every other year or so it falls on or around Easter Sunday. This kind of stinks, because 1) people usually frown upon someone having a wild birthday party at McNellie’s the night before Easter Sunday, and 2) I have to do something that requires sobriety. Also, my grandmother always buys me pastel-colored shirts for my birthday. Pastels are lame.
If you’d like to wish Patrick a happy Cadbury-cracking, visit him at www.thelostogle.com.